Speechless
by nicodiangelos.shoe
Summary: "I can't stay here any longer. I just can't." Nobody notices the broken fragments Nico leaves behind. *TRIGGER WARNING: SELF-HARM/SELF-HATE* *currently on hold*
1. Chapter 1 - Nico's POV

**Nico's POV**

I hated myself.

That was that.

An irreversible fact that was carved into stone.

Why couldn't I just fit in? Be normal? Be liked?

No one had an answer for that because I never asked.

Before you go saying something like _"You dunderhead! Just ask them! They are your friends!"_

I don't need to ask to know the answer I'll get. It would be something along the lines of _"We are your friends! Don't be crazy!"_

Actions speak louder than words, and currently I was hearing crickets chirping.

Anyone I like, I push away. Why do I do that? Not even I have an answer for that.

One thing that makes me feel better is replacing one pain with another.

It is a release.

Somehow every incision into my pale, porcelain skin made everything better.

The scars are proof that I can escape, even if it is temporary.

A little voice in my head whispers _"It doesn't have be temporary, you know. Push a little harder and every problem won't matter anymore."_ Every time I hold the small blade, this thought bounces around my head like a ballerina knocked up on Red Bull. _"Just a little harder,"_ the voice whispers. I WANT to. So badly. I wanted out. I take out the small blade out of a cigarette box and stare at the scared boy looking back. Tears stream down my face, and I feel like I am carrying an Elephant trying not to explode with sobs. I lift my shirt and reveal a body of scars. As I am about to make a first escape attempt, a loud knock comes from outside the bathroom door. I stop dead in my tracks, and slowly turn my head towards the door, angry that I couldn't escape, happy someone else protected me from myself.

" _Yo Nico? You almost done in there? I really gotta go, like now!"_ The voice makes me jump out of my skin. Percy. Of all people, it had to be Percy. _SHIT._ (No pun intended, lol.)

"Y-Yeah on-ne s-second-d." I internally scream a series of colorful curses at myself for crying while talking. I quickly put the knife back in my pocket, unlock, and open the door. I duck my head and walk away quickly, before _he_ can ask me what's wrong. So much. So much is wrong with me. So much is wrong with my life. I'm only 15 but have scars that show just how much I hate myself. How much I long to be someone else. Anyone else. I walk to my room and quietly slip in. I collapse onto the bed and am sucked in. Into the void of darkness and fear that is my mind. A small, but audible knock is at the door. I sigh and roll onto my back, waiting to see whom I owe the pleasure but I have a guess.

" _Hey Nico? You alright? You seemed upset earlier."_ I tense. The voice belongs to the son of Poseidon.

UUUGGGGHHHH

" _Go away."_ I say quietly, my voice still quivering.

See? I did it again. I pushed away the person I cared about the most.

I heard a small indigent huff outside the door. Before I could realize what was happening the door flung open and standing in the door frame, there he was.

He wore a shocked look on his face, most likely surprised that the most private person at camp didn't lock his doors. This would be fun.


	2. Chapter 1 - Percy's POV

**Percy's POV**

My bladder, threatening to burst any second, was growing more impatient by the second. Determined not to look like a complete fool running at full speed towards the bathroom, I settled for an extreme powerwalk probably making me look like a grandma in a shopping mall. That probably wasn't much better.

When I finally reached the bathroom, I tried the door handle. Locked. Of all the times and places, right here, right now. Since this was the bathroom the children of the "Big Three" and Jason was visiting Camp Jupiter, there was only one other person it could be. Nico. Man that kid hated me with his guts. Couldn't really blame him, though. I was pulled from my thoughts as my bladder threatened to explode. I knocked loudly and called:

" _Yo Nico? You almost done in there? I really gotta go, like now!"_ I called through the oak door.

After a few antagonizing moments, an answer finally came.

" _Y-Yeah on-ne s-second-d."_ Definitely Nico. But. Was he crying? I got my answer when the door flew open and a rather red faced Nico walked out and ducked under my arm, which I now noticed was outstretched and supporting my weight. I had no moment to hesitate as I ran into the bathroom and threw the door closed.

After a very relaxing waz, I decided to go check up on Nico. Make sure the poor kid's still holding it together. After a few minute walk, I arrived in front of the cabin made of obsidian. Add the skull torches, and you got yourself a pretty intimidating place. I stood there a moment, when I remembered I wasn't on an architecture tour with Annabeth here, I was here to check on Nico. I walk up to the door and knock rather quietly. I heard a small amount movement, so he is here.

" _Hey Nico? You alright? You seemed upset earlier."_ Rather stating the obvious, but I'm no child of Athena.

No answer. He definitely is in there, I heard him just a moment ago. Nope. No more hiding, I know the kid hates me but I'll have to face him eventually. I settle on trying the handle, knowing it is vain. Nico is the most secretive person at the entire camp, of course he would keep his door locked. Oh well. I reach towards the handle and, to my utter shock, it swung open. Well, this is going to be fun.


	3. Chapter 2 - Nico's POV

**Author's Note:** I would just like to say a quick thank you for all the kind reviews I have gotten. Enjoy Chapter 2 two days early!

* * *

 **Nico's P.O.V**

In front of me stood the sea prince, the hero of Olympus, Percy Jackson himself. I would have made some remark about catching flies but I am also surprised. He actually opened my door. That bastard. I certainly wasn't going to break this awkward silence, so I just sit back and muster up my signature death glare. After another antagonizing moment of silence, he finally spoke.

"So… um… hi?" He looked rather uncomfortable, which only added to my fire.

"Well I see you've already let yourself in, so care to kick back and relax? Maybe grab a snack while you're at it?" While I had intended the statement to come out as cold and distant, my voice is shaky and revealing too much emotion. My heart is threatening to burst out of my chest and he walks towards me and sits of the edge of the bed. He looks at me, eyes full of concern, and I am forced to look away. I will not reveal anything to him. I. Will. Not. Reveal. Anything. To. Him.

"Nico? Are you ok? You know I'm always willing to help you." At the words 'are you ok,' and his tone of voice, my walls crumble before my very eyes. I feel my eyes well with tears and try so hard not to cry, but all in vain. Tears are openly streaming down my face and I can feel his gaze upon me.

"Nico- "He starts but I cut him off.

"No, Percy. I'm not ok. I have never been ok. Not in 6 years. Every time I go outside I'm reminded of her. And all the campers look and treat me like some sort of walking pandemic. Not to mention I'm weird enough without being a demi-god. I'm a freak and if I were still in my time, I would have been hung. So. No, Percy, I'm not ok." By the time I finished my speech, I was shaking trying to suppress my sobs. "Now please Percy, just leave. Leave and don't look back and for the love of the Gods don't even think about coming back." I feel tears slide down my face, weakening my argument.

"Nico- "He tries again but the longer he is here, the more walls he breaks.

"Percy, you've never cared about me so why you are starting now, I don't know. But. Just. Go." On the last word, my voice cracks. At this point I'm looking down and I don't plan on looking up. Don't look up. Don't do it. Don't. di Angelo I'm warning you. But, despite my internal threats, I look up and catch his eye. Shouldn't I be more cautious about my internal threats? I mean earlier I was literally destroying myself from the inside out. He sits there looking conflicted, but he is not leaving.

"Percy- "I start but this time it is he who cuts me off.

"Nico, please just listen. I know you hate me, and that you probably always will. But I can see you. I can see who you were and who you've become, and I know it's my fault. I'm not going to force anything onto you but please know you always have access to my friendship." WHY DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND? I can't hold him responsible for just wanting to be friends. Only I know how I feel. Well Bianca knew but that doesn't count. Bianca. She would want me to accept his offer. But she's not here know, as painful as it is, and I have to make my own decisions.

"Get out." I whisper. Something inside me is gone. I feel empty. Hollow.

"Nico." I can feel him staring at me.

"Please." I whisper, as a rogue tear runs down my face. I feel him stand up and hear his footsteps retreating towards the door.

"Just think about it." I hear him say. And then the door closes.

I can't stay here. I can't do it anymore. Watch him being happy and in love with Annabeth while I decayed in my own misery. It wasn't unusual for me to leave camp, so why am I still here? Oh right. I need to decide on a destination first. New York? Maybe. Well actually, that's too close to here but it is easier to shadow travel to. California. No. The romans were there and if Jason was enlisted in finding me, I'm a goner and it's all plastic over there. ( _no offense to the actual state_ ) Europe? Italy? Ohhh. I know where I'm going. Venice, Italy, the most beautiful place in the whole world to me. I could easily ask my father for some money, get a job, settle down and just hope my feelings for Percy will die. I may leave camp regularly, but this time I wasn't coming back. Unless very extreme circumstances arise, but that's a given. I pack the few clothes I have into my tattered backpack, my little cigarette tin, and hook my Stygian Iron sword on my belt.

I walk towards the forest, the cool autumn air nipping at my aviator jacket. In the distance I hear the horn blow, signaling it is time for dinner. I head towards the center of the forest barrier, where the shadows are the deepest. Once I arrive, I take one last look at the parts of camp I see and melt into the shadows.


	4. Chapter 2 - Percy's POV

**Authors note:** Sorry this chapter is a little late, I have a lot of really big projects coming up in school and I need to keep working on them. I'll try to keep updating as often as I can, but for now, enjoy!

* * *

 **Percy's POV**

The initial shock I felt when the door actually opened, well, the only word that came to my mind is: Uh oh. I had to wait for my eyes to adjust to dim lighting of the cabin but once it did I saw Nico sitting on his bed, looking just as stunned as me. Once the original shock of my entrance faded, he sat back and gave me his signature _"This better goddamned important Jackson or I'll smite you"_ glare. The awkwardness in the air was palpable, and was intensifying every moment. And it was suffocating me. I had to saw something quick, or I would explode. I should have come up with a script, a plan, something but like I said before, this, right here, no child of Athena.

"So… um… hi?" I internally face palm and say quite some colorful words that I could have only learned from some horses in the stables. Nico's glare intensifies and for a moment I'm afraid he actually will smite me, or call on his father to do so.

"Well I see you've already let yourself in, so care to kick back and relax? Maybe grab a snack while you're at it?" The statement itself was dripping with sarcasm but his voice was trembling and thick with emotion. I try to come up with a plan of something, anything, but Athena must still be mad at me for breaking a finger off the Parthenos with a Frisbee. I already apologized! Before I can form some sort of plan, I find myself sitting on the edge of his bed, my fingers absentmindedly fiddling with his _"Nightmare Before Christmas"_ comforter. I look at Nico's outline in the dim lighting. He is folding in on himself, creating the berlin wall of body language between us.

"Nico? Are you ok? You know I'm always will to help you." By the time I finish this statement, Nico's shoulders are shaking and I can tell I've struck a chord. I watch as his walls crumble right in front of my eyes, and am left speechless. I feel as if I'm invading on some personal moment meant to be shared between two friends.

"Nico-" I open my mouth to say something probably irrelevant when he starts.

"No, Percy. I'm not ok. I have never been ok. Not in 6 years. Every time I go outside I'm reminded of her. And all the campers look and treat me like some sort of walking pandemic. Not to mention I'm weird enough without being a demi-god. I'm a freak and if I were still in my time, I would have been hung. So. No, Percy, I'm not ok. Now please Percy, just leave. Leave and don't look back and for the love of the Gods don't even think about coming back."

The way he delivers his speech is even more heart-breaking than the boy in front of me. His voice is quivering. I sit for a moment and think about what he just said. He would have been hung? Like a witch thing? Wasn't that in like 1692 or something? I have to say something. Quick. I can tell he is destroying himself and noticed a deep concern I had never felt before. As I am about to speak, I notice a single tear slowly gliding down his face leaving tear tracks down his face. They don't look very new.

"Nico-" is all I can get out before he cuts me off, again.

"Percy, you've never cared about me so why you are starting now, I don't know. But. Just. Go." On the last word, his voice cracks and my heart breaks a little more for him. I look at him hunched form and desperately want to hug him, high five him, let him slap me. Anything to make him happier. He was hard to deal with in his normal state, but this. This. I have no idea how to approach this and am making to situation worse. I have wanted to be his friend so many times, his shoulder to cry on, but now that it comes to it I can't help him? Sit here looking dumbfounded? No wonder he hates me. I would hate me too. I contemplate leaving, would that the situation better or worse? Would it make me look like a good friend or a complete douche? Gods I have absolutely no people skills! He looks up and catches my eye. There is a pain far deep in his eyes. The poor kid is only 16 and has lost everything. And I know it's my fault but there has to be something I can do. At least _try_ to help him.

"Percy-" he starts, and there is definitely a threatening edge to his voice. I had to say something, at least offer my friendship to him.

"Nico, please just listen. I know you hate me, and that you probably always will. But I can see you. I can see who you were and who you've become, and I know it's my fault. I'm not going to force anything onto you but please know you always have access to my friendship." I myself am surprised by how earnest my voice is. He almost looks angrier but sadder at the same time. He seems to literally deflate like a balloon before my very eyes. So that wasn't the right thing to say either? What was? Am I supposed to harsh and straightforward? Calm and soothing? Gods, Athena I understand you're still mad but please some help of any kind?

"Get out." He whispers and it is so faint I barely catch it. His voice is devoid of all his previous emotion. How he does that, I'll never understand. It's almost concerning how easily he just clams up his emotions.

"Nico." I start, trying to be his friend, although I have no idea where that sentence would go. I'm sorry? Let's be friends? I'm. An. Idiot.

"Please." He whispers. His whispering is worse than any scream or shout he could give. His whispering shows he has given up. I stand up and walk towards the door, my legs feeling like lead. Once I reach the door I turn around and look at him and as he is shifting around on the bed, I saw I see little scars in the dim light. It's probably a trick of the light.

"Just think about it." I say and walk out to the eye burning sunlight. The sun is sinking down across the sky. How long was I in there? Just this morning I was rushing towards the bathroom, and then I checked on him and now its sunset. I am pulled out of my thoughts as my stomach clenches in hunger. Oh yeah. Did I miss lunch? Please tell me I didn't miss dinner. As if on que, the conch horn blows, singaling it is time for dinner. As I am walking towards the pavilion, Annabeth catches up to me.

"Hey, Percy. I haven't seen you all day. Where were you?" I am surprised to hear an accusing tone in her voice.

"I was just talking to Nico." I reply a little more irritably than I had intended.

"Okie-dokie then." She says and puts her hand around my waist, trying to close the distance between us. I unconsciously push her away, and she gives me a glare worse than Nico's.

"What's wrong, Seaweed brain?" She asks, still glaring at me. I sigh. This relationship has gotten more and more tense, she always is accusing me of doing something and I keep pushing her away.

"Just tired." I lie, which has become more and more of a bad habit.

"Hm. Well, if you really are that tired go to your cabin I sleep, I guess." I need some excuse to get away from her, also something I've noticed more and more.

"Alright. See you." I need to end this soon. I can't keep lying, making up excuses, and pretending to be in love.

I walk quickly towards my cabin, my appetite suddenly gone.

Once I reach my cabin, I walk over to my bed and collapse. I think it might do me some good to maybe break things off with Annabeth and take a break from camp for a while. Maybe tour Europe? That could be fun. But right now I need to come up with a plan before I go charging towards the Athena cabin with no script in mind. This was going to be a little awkward.


	5. Chapter 3 - Nico's POV

**A/N** : OMG HI EVERYONE I'VE RETURNED FROM THE DEAD. No but seriously I'm actually so sorry I suck as a human being and this chapter is out like 90 days late. I was really torn on whether I should've wrote the story where Hade's says no and Nico has to go live on the streets in Venice and becomes a master thief (my smol bean :( ) or if I should have gone with the Hade's says yes and Nico is rich. SO, spoiler alert, I went with the latter, DON'T BE DISAPPOINTED because I've decided that I really like the concept of Nico being all sneaky and being a really good thief SO I'm going to take that concept and make a whole new fic (you might just see a very special partner in crime). Also over spring break I was writing an outline and, OH BOY, are you guys in for some pain and heartbreak. So this chapter is REALLY rough, basically hashed it out in 1 1/2 hours at 12 AM so over the next week or so I'll be doing edits of it. Btw: Sorry about the cliff hanger at the end. Knowing me, I'll probably wait 90 years before I decide to update again. OK I'M DONE NOW PLS ENJOY THIS COMPLETE SH*T CHAPTER!

* * *

 **Nico's POV**

I'm almost tempted to stay in the shadows. Let the coolness of it envelope me forever. After all, it wasn't like I was much more. Only a shadow at camp. The weird emo child of Hade's who completely fits the stereotype.

 _No_ , I think to myself sternly, _I will not allow myself to succumb to others opinions._

I force myself to focus on my destination, picturing my fathers throne room. I imagine his throne room. With its looming ceilings, tall obsidian columns, the 18-foot throne being the center piece of the whole room. I feel my body being stretched and compressed at the same time for what feels like hours until my legs hit solid ground and my legs buckle underneath me, sending me sprawling to the dusty floor.

 _Please not the throne room. Please not throne room. Please not the throne room._

I chant this in my head, hoping to avoid the inevitable. I force my head up and take a look at my surroundings and breathe a sigh of relief when I see I am in a corridor of my fathers palace.

My relief is quickly diminished when a thought pops into my head.

I had never been inaccurate in my shadow traveling.

I brush this thought off because I have significant reasoning for why it could've happened:

I hadn't eaten anything that day (don't tell Hazel)

I most certainly wasn't in the best mood or mindset when I took off.

I was nervous about confronting my father

A certain dark-haired, green-eyed someone keeps popping in my mind.

I cast these thoughts aside as a simple mistake. I stand up and make my way over towards the throne room.

As I walk towards the entrance of the throne room, I hold my head up to give the illusion of confidence and ease. The two skeletons standing gaurd bow their heads at me and open both of the doors (quite a feat for two skeletons to manage, saying as that door is probably at least 25 feet tall). As both doors open, I walk in as all the heads in the room turn and look me. My fathers eyes widen ever so slightly and he waves his officials and guards out of the room.

Once the room has cleared, my fathers turns his dark eyes on me. I feel small under his intense stare, and I bow down to one knee before him.

"Stand son. We are beyond such formalities." I stand, somewhat uncomfortably, and go through my mental script once more, causing for an awkward silence to form.

"That was quite an entrance you made back there." He offers me an uncomfortable smile and I decide it would be better to cut to the chase and get it over with.

"I… um… I was wondering…well…I was maybe thinki-" My father interrupts me.

"Whatever you have to say, spit it out. There is very little that surprises me and very little time nowadays so don't work yourself up." The fact that my father, Lord Hades, ruler of the dead gets surprised on a occurrence, even if it is rare, is still a miracle within itself.

"I need money." I blurt out, and immediately regret it and wish I could have been a little more discreet.

"And here I was thinking I was in for a surprise. Ugh, why do you mortals feel the need to be _so_ predictable every moment of every day?" My father looks somewhat disappointed, but then a second later his face lights up.

"What do you need the money for?" He looks like a child up to something mischievous. The question surprises me, but I eventually come up with an answer without revealing my actual motive.

"Oh. Well. Um. I was planning on taking a break from america, more specifically camp, and uh, I was wanting to lay low and just, you know, kinda chill out in Venice." I stumbled my way through my sentence, and well, it happened.

"Chill out? I thought Venice was of relatively mild climate? If you want to _'chill out'_ , might I recommend Alaska, or, perhaps Antartica if you really want to get your inner polar bear on?" I try my best not to smile at his genuinely confused face, and try to formulate a non-offensive answer.

"Chill out means to just, you know, kinda lay low a bit."

"I don't know, but I'll just assume you haven't done anything illegal." Well, not in this time period, anyways.

"Nothing too noteworthy." He raises an eyebrow at this, but doesn't question it further.

"How much will you be needing?" I definitely should've thought this out more throughly before bursting in here, but I'm a person who acts on impulse, not common sense.

"Nothing outrageous, just enough to get on my feet and live comfortably."

"Hm.. well.. I'll give you a small loan of a million dollars and if you need more just send a post card." Not exactly sure of how to send a post card to the underworld but assuming with my "small loan of a million dollars" I needn't worry too much.

"Thanks dad." he dismisses me with a grunt and a wave of his hand.

Reality starts to set in as I begin to understand that this is actually going to happen. I have run away before, but never to another country, never to make a life for myself. I've run away to hide ( _which in reality is what I'm doing_ ) and now I'm starting over and living as a normal mortal. Perhaps I could keep my name, it's already Italian, saves me some time. I would shadow-travel myself into a quiet alley and then just press the restart button on my life. A small smile spreads onto my lips. No more Percy Jackson.

I step into the darkest corner in eyesight and welcome myself the familiar sensation of being detached, if only for a second, and focus on my destination.

I am all but flung out of the shadows and am thrown onto uneven cobble stone. I look around. This is not where I should be. A smell of bread lightly scents the air. Most likely Italy, based on the humidity and cobblestone. I wait for the familiar after shock of traveling to pass, and as I wait, I get a good look around. About a half-block away the alley opens onto a busy road, lots of people and vehicles. On the other side of me, about 200 feet away, the alley ends with a brick wall. Once the dizziness and spots vanish, I stand up. I briefly wonder why I can't hear the people on the street ahead of me, but think nothing of it in my disoriented state. Food and naps are the only thing on my mind right now. But.

No.

Something is wrong.


	6. NOT A CHAPTER -- AUTHORS NOTE

Ok, first off let me just say: this is not an update. I hate to do authors notes and I hate putting you all through this but I really don't like where this story is going. I feel as if my writing has been falling short each chapter and is very rushed. I also don't have a lot of motivation for this story; more of a writers block than laziness. If you have any ideas or constructive critisim please leave it in the comments as I really want to improve my writing and this story.

In the mean time, I was thinking about maybe writing a Sugar Daddy Percy/Sugar Baby Nico fic. I know this sounds really kinky and weird but I actually plan for it to be very different from that. I was also thinking about maybe writing a ballet or college AU. If you have any fun ideas upon seeing this or any interest in being my beta (not sure if that is the right word)/proof reader I would absolutley love that because in my haste I make a lot of easy grammar mistakes. Even better if you have any background in Italian or Russian.

Again, I'm so sorry if I got your hopes up for a new chapter. I do hope I'll be able to write this story again, but in the meantime feel free to check out my other fics (shameless plug ;) ).


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